Saturday, December 24, 2005
2005 has been a very trying year for me. Seems everything I turned around there was another roadblock for me. I've had my emotions tested, I've financially struggled, my physical well being tested, my mental stability and my faith. Because of my faith I've been able to accept all of the other problems however I have yet to overcome them. I haven't posted a lot because I just didn't want to post so much negative but I feel now that I need to get some of it out.
Christmas has always been my favorite time of year yet tonight I sit here doing this. Trying to figure out how I can make everything better in 2006. I never want to question God but I'm wondering how much more rain is there before the rainbows appear. In the last month I've had to go through a big physical change. My scleroderma has come out of remission and they've started me on methotrexate treatments. They started me very aggressive for the first 3 months and then they will reassess the situation. The side effects of this have been terrible. I've lost 12 pounds (which isn't so terrible to me) however I've been so weak, I get nauseous, dizzy, I have no appetite and I cry constantly. I feel so bad because I feel it's affecting my family. I've always taken care of them and now they're taken care of me. I don't want my kids to remember this year as the year mom was so sick and they had to sacrifice things because of it. On top of those issues, I still have horrible leg and bad pain. The docs want to give me an epidural but they said I need to start physical therapy right after getting it and right now because of the other meds I can't do that. So I just have to remain on pain killers right now for the pain. One of the other issues I'm dealing with is my moods...Geez....I go from happy to sad in a split second and then the anger kicks in. I'm extremely irritable and end up being short with everybody around me which really eats at me. I know my family is doing their best to deal with what's going on and my husband has been AMAZING!!! So when I'm irritable I end up feeling terrible and beating myself up about it yet I can't control it... I wish I knew somebody that personally dealt with similar feelings and how they deal with it. I feel like I'm alone in this and that none of this is normal.
On a positive note, my family will have a great Christmas! I refuse to settle for less. Even if I wear myself out in the process. My kids have just what they wanted from us and I believe that they even appreciate it more this year than others because I've been so ill. I know I have the health and happiness of my children, my husband and all of my other family and I'm very thankful for that. I have friends that check up on me all the time and see if I need anything. Although it's very hard for me to ever accept help and/or tell people what I need. I feel like I'm being a nuisance to them or that they have better things to do then worry about me. They all have their own lives and it's not their fault something like this is going on with me...DAMN there I go, spirally down to negative. I wish I could stop that before it even starts.
Well I better end this before I get mad that I'm complaining..LOL.
Anyway, I want to wish all my blog friends a very Merry Christmas and a happy and safe new year!!! I'm looking for ward to all of the blessings I'm going to receive in 2006 and wish the same for all of you!
Sunday, November 27, 2005
Santa's on his way....
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
I'm still here...
Yes, I'm alive....Just dealing with A LOT.
My neurologist discussed my issues with my leg and pain increase with a rheumotologist and after looking back through all of my charts and all of my current test results they have to come to the conclusion that my scleroderma is active again. They are going to try to alleviate some of my pain right away with some injections through my back into some specific nerves and then will start some aggressive medicating. I believe they are going to start with methotrexate and see how I do with that and then go from there. So, needless to say, I'm a wreck. One of my biggest fears has always been this disease coming back to take me away. I know it's all in God's hand and it's probably just another road bump in this drive we call life, however, I can't help but worrying. I'm already on 2 different antidepressants so really all I can do is just try and get through this. My husband has been wonderful through this all but I feel so bad. I feel like I'm disrupting their happy lives. My children and my husband shouldn't have to pay for this. It's not their fault. I try to put on a happy face and keep my mind occupied with other things (I got 100% on my first 2 exams for school) but sometimes I just break down. I have so many thoughts. I want to fight through this so bad and I know there's something to be said for a positive attitude with these things but it's hard when you have pain, depression and anxiety already to throw another thing into the equation.
Anyway, I know I have made some GREAT blog friends here and appreciate all the support so much. You let me whine and never offer anything but positive words back. Thank you for that. So with that said I felt like it was time to come share with you what's going on over here.
Now, let me share how I've been trying to keep myself occupied. This past weekend my son had a baseball game on Saturday and Sunday and my daughter had a cheerleading performance on Saturday and a competition on Sunday.
My son won both of his games and my daughter did great Saturday and her team came in first place Sunday.
Today is my husband and my 8th wedding anniversary. In all we have been together over 13 years now. That's a lot of ups and downs but as he reminded me there's nothing that's bigger than our love including problems with my health. He says he's here through everything no matter what. He makes me feel so secure. It's like falling in love with him all over again. It's funny, we're going through more now (emotionally, medically, financially, etc) yet we're happier together than we've ever been. I guess things like this either tear you apart or bring you closer.
Even with all that's going on, I know I'm still extremely blessed and enjoy counting each and every one of them. Here's a few right off the top of my head:
1. My children are happy and healthy.
2. My husband and I are stronger than ever.
3. I have a wonderful group of supportive friends.
4. We have a roof over our heads.
5. I have faith that everything happens for a reason and out of the big storms always comes a bigger rainbow.
As long as I can continue to remind myself of these things when I'm at my lowest feelings then all we be well. Actually, I know, all will be well no matter what.
I'll update more as I get more info from the doctors and try and get in a few uplifting posts too.
Thanks for checking on me stranger friends.
Thursday, October 27, 2005
I have PMS!!!
WOW- I have issues AND PMS!!! Can't help but laugh at myself.
So with that said, I'll try and make some light of this...
The many meanings of P-M-S:
1.Pass My Shotgun
2.Psychotic Mood Shift
3.Perpetual Munching Spree
5.People Make me Sick
6.Provide Me with Sweets
7.Pardon My Sobbing
8.Pimples May Surface
9.Pass My Sweatpants
10.Pissy Mood Syndrome
11.Plainly; Men Suck
12.Pack My Stuff .....
and my favorite one.. 13.Potential Murder Suspect
Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb? A: One!!! ONLY ONE!!!!
And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They'd sit there in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out!! And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 13 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find the bulbs 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!!
Okay on a serious note, I do realize this brings up some things I should discuss with my doctor. However, I'm so tired of new things coming up and I feel like a pest continuing to discuss them. I know that my doctor genuinely cares about me and might not feel that way but I can't help but feel like it. I feel like I have more issues than any of the people she sees (I know that might not be true but I can't really convince myself of that) I don't want more pills for this but do want to know if there is a different way to handle it. I'm handling my depression and anxiety better since the wellbutrin but it seems like I have about 10 days out of the month that are VERY tough. I wonder should I just be happy with being okay for 20 days out of the month??? I wonder how horrible that must be for my family. I've always heard jokes about PMS but I never really thought I've experienced it so much. Now, since the accident and all of these medication changes and such it seems like my body and mind has went through so many changes that this is just how it's going to be. Okay done with the wah wah wah~~~~
Now let me discuss some happy thoughts.
Halloween is right around the corner and if I do say so myself, I have the CUTEST Minnie mouse in my house I've ever seen...Here's a sneak peak of my daughter's Halloween costume:
I usually don't post pictures of my kids but I just couldn't resist this. She's kinda camera shy so she wouldn't open her eyes for this one. Hopefully I'll get a better one on Halloween. My son is going the "I'm getting to old to dress up route" Yeah- at 11!!! However, he's decided to be the character from the scream movies. At least it's something, I guess. My baby boy's getting older. *sigh* . My husband is trying to get off for Halloween but it's not looking real good. I hope he does since we've spent every Halloween together trick or treating with the kids as a family since my son was born. I know how much he really wants to be there but I also know he knows how we could use the money. But something's are just more important than money. Trick or treating will also be different this year because I won't be able to walk house to house with my kids, I'll have to drive along side. The good thing is we will be going to our church harvest festival too so we won't have to do too much house to housing afterwards. YEAH!
Next, I wanted to address the thing in my previous post about wanting to buy things for my children. I appreciate the feedback of everybody and did want to explain a little more of what I meant. One of the comments left were about how somebody was spoiled financially when they were raised and would've much rather had love. Well, I actually feel the same way about my childhood. My mother gave me everything I wanted and my dad tried to always pay me off for not being around by buying me anything. My mom and stepdad worked night jobs and I was left alone daily from about 5pm to 11pm. I, too, would've given everything back to have had the proper attention and supervision. I know my mom loves me and always has but she also gave me way too much freedom at such a young age and turned her cheek to the things I was doing for attention; drinking, smoking, stealing money from her, and eventually doing more serious drugs. I don't want to blame it all on her ( I say all because I guess I do put some fault on her, I still to this day feel that having money was more important to my mom than a relationship with me, like she gave up. It wasn't like she was working to make ends meat, we had that and some, we had more than enough and that was obvious by all she bought me and still obvious to me by all she has now. And let me point out history repeating itself, she rarely see's her grandchildren- however spends tons of time upgrading her million dollar home or flying elsewhere on her husbands plane) I know a lot of children that have been left alone at night and didn't go those routes. But I did.
I don't want to say I regret any of my life because I've learned from all of it. One of the things I've brought from that was keeping my kids involved in as many extra curricular activities (sports, cheerleading, school paper,etc) and keeping myself available to my children as much as possible. Being home at night to eat together, to help them with homework, to talk and support. I hope this doesn't lead me to being to overprotective because of my fears but I'm working on that. Anyway, I would love to give them the best of BOTH worlds. Give to them in financial means (not outrageous) and give them all the love and support they need. I guess we can only do what we can though. And I do know that in the future, someday, they will understand the financial issues and hopefully will be thankful that no matter what they always had plentiful of our love.
Quote of the day
Obstacles don’t have to stop you. If you run into a wall, don’t turn around and give up. Figure out how to climb it, go through it, or work around it.-Michael Jordan
Monday, October 24, 2005
One minute I feel somewhat content and the next I'm a mess. Yesterday, I experienced severe sciatica pain again. I almost fell over walking in to my house. We had just got home from church and thankfully my son was by my side to stop me from falling.
My son, poor thing, he so catches the brunt of all of my mess. He hugged me yesterday and said he loved me as I was crying. Told me everything would be alright. Then today I pick him up from school and turn on him. He just wanted to request an early birthday present and go to his baseball practice (which I had made a special request to his coach that we skip today) I was so upset with him. I called him selfish and told him he doesn't even care about all that's going on. He's going through his little pre-teen back talk and today I just couldn't handle it. But, I was wrong to take everything out on him. I did apologize to him later. And he admitted to knowing he was wrong too but I feel terrible.
Want a picture of some of what's inside my mind? Here it is:
Those are just a few of the things going on in there.
Home life- My husband's job is very demanding right now. He's here and gone. Sometimes gone Mon-Thurs and right now he's on an 11 day straight run. It will be nice when he gets his check, but I feel so terrible that he can't even enjoy the extra money he's working so far for because we're barely making it paycheck to paycheck. I'm paying the credit card minimum payments and waiting for them to clear so that I can charge groceries on them. Back in credit card debt. We were in up to 20k before and got out when we re-financed our home. Now we're almost back there again.
Money- I was used to always pulling my weight, even being the main bread winner at most times so now I feel so bad not even pulling my weight. My husband tries to reassure me that it's okay but I can't help but feel like it's all my fault. If only I could go back to work. I could fix it all. Damn my leg. Damn my back. Damn me.
Family- I'm doing my best to be the best mom and wife I can be but I feel like I'm struggling. I feel like I can't give my husband the attention he needs. I still can't even sleep in our bed. 6 months of sleeping in my daughters bed, on the couch or on the floor. Anywhere to try and keep myself out of pain and comfortable. Our bed is horrible. When I try to sleep there I always end up screwed up the next day. I know beating myself up isn't good for anybody and I know my moods have got to be hard for the kids. I try so hard to make sure it doesn't affect them but days like today, I couldn't do anything about it. I don't want to do that to them. I don't want them to have to suffer in any way for our losses. I know - things could be so much worse. But see, I'm used to spoiling my kids, buying them what they want for their birthdays and Christmas and I'm fearful this year I won't be able to do that. My daughter still doesn't really understand so she's not really affected as she doesn't really expect but my son, I've always done everything to make his birthday special and Christmas. This year I had to explain to him that we just can't. That we can continue doing our family time together and I have tons of love to give but that's it for now. On top of that I feel like this is such an important age for me to not be giving him anything to have any grief over and yet we have all this stuff going on at home.
Work- well there's a lot to say here too. I've always worked. Since I was 14, actually before that I had a paper route. I'm not the type of person that sits still well and since the accident I've had to learn to do that. My work has always relied on me a lot and they're learning how to do things without me now. I know they still need me in many ways but I'm just worried about the what if's. What if my dr. says I need to be off even longer than expected (beginning of the year 2006)? What if I end up permanently disabled from this? Will my work accept this? And allow me to work from home? Will I have to start over with something else? I am going to school to get my associates in early childhood education but I want to be able to slowly change over to doing something in that field. Not be forced out of what I'm doing now. I want to complete this and do it right.
Health- Well I've named many of my concerns with this already but I have more on top of what happened in the accident. I already was deal with a very weak immune system and scleroderma. I've also dealt with anxiety since I've had my daughter. However, it's now worse than ever and on top of that I'm dealing with depression which is a factor I've never had to deal with on this level.
I know some of these things I bring on myself. I know there's probably a better way to deal with all of this. I know I have a very full plate. I know, I know, I know. But what do I do. I've always had a full plate and never felt this stressed before. I'm still on so many medications and I would just think that everything should be balancing out by now. I'm trying to do all of the things that I would think would be helpful. I can't cut things out of my life because who then would take care of them? Shhheeeeesssshhhhh I guess it's just one of those days. I'm praying for a better tomorrow.
Thanks for listening stranger friends....
Friday, October 21, 2005
Today, I took a BIG step, I enrolled in college. I'm going for it. I would like to get my associates degree in early childhood education. I know it's going to be tough balancing everything but it's something I really feel I need to do. For me.
I have a habit of getting involved in things and diving in head first, even to the point of overwhelming myself. I do it with work, I do it with new friends, I do it with hobbies, everything... Don't get me wrong, I don't regret any of the experiences I've had. I know they've all lead me to where I am. However, I also know, I do what I can with something new real fast and then eventually get bored and want to go on to something else. It seems I have LOTS of big idea's but tend to not stick with them.
So, I'm going to start trying to stick with the things I want. I'm going to follow through until the end. I'm promising myself. On top of that I'm going to balance everything so that I don't start neglecting other areas of my life while I'm trying this new venture.
1) My Associates Degree
2) New Home
3) Open a daycare/preschool
4) Write a book (possibly a children's book)
5) Still get that honeymoon with hubby
On another note- this isn't necessarily a goal but something I would love advice on doing.
I have some people in my life whom I've been very hurt by (mainly my mother and father) I know these people love me but still expect me to be something I'm not. I want to learn how to forgive and accept this. Do I tell them they've made me feel like this? Even if it could possibly hurt them and will never change the way they are? I know it would probably be better to go a little more in depth about the issues but I just don't feel like going through it all over again today. I've already had to absorb a lot since I've had phone calls from both my mother and father today. I also have another person who is very important to me that I would love to solve all of their problems but instead tend to take them on myself too.
Why do I continue to overwhelm myself with other people's issues?
Why can't I accept that if somebody doesn't want to change, they won't, no matter how destructive they may be being to themselves?
Why do I allow myself to be hurt when I know that's not always the intention of the other person?
I guess I need to figure out some of these things and add that as an emotional goal.
Any advice is always appreciated. Thanks stranger friends.
Thursday, October 20, 2005
For you...You know who you are...
But I can listen to you, and together we will search for answers.
I can't change your past with all it's heartache and pain,nor the future with its untold stories.
But I can be there now when you need me to care.
I can't keep your feet from stumbling.
I can only offer my hand that you may grasp it and not fall.
Your joys, triumphs, successes, and happiness are not mine;
Yet I can share in your laughter.
Your decisions in life are not mine to make, nor to judge;
I can only support you, encourage you,and help you when you ask.
I can't prevent you from falling away from friendship, from your values, from me.
I can only pray for you, talk to you and wait for you.
I can't give you boundaries which I have determined for you,
But I can give you the room to change, room to grow,room to be yourself.
I can't keep your heart from breaking and hurting,
But I can cry with you and help you pick up the pieces and put them back in place.
I can't tell you who you are.
I can only love you and be your friend
"We've shared so much laughter, so many tears. We're a spiritual bond that grows stronger each year. We're not sisters by birth, but we knew from the start, something put us together to be sisters by heart." - Unknown