Wednesday, April 27, 2005

A new day...

Today is a new day and I'm trying to be more positive. I've been in a lot of pain lately and so I really started to get depressed but I know that doesn't help anybody. So today I relax and spend some quality time with my kids. My daughter is taking a nap right nap and my son is at school so I have time to blog. I've been reading a lot of blogs. I can't believe how many people out there have the same type of feelings I do. I guess we all just express them differently. I wear my heart on my sleve and therefore get taken advantage of but it's okay, I believe it all comes back.

I am upset about one thing today, Disneyland, my happiest place on Earth. I've always wanted to go to Disneyworld (that is my dream vacation) but for now we settle for what we can afford, Disneyland. We were supposed to go in June but now with all this pain I know we won't be able to go for a while. My daughter is so sad because she says she won't be scared of the characters anymore. I want to take them again before my son decides he's too cool to really enjoy it. When I was young I had told my mom for the make a wish foundation I wanted to either meet Madonna or go to Disneyworld. She had started to try and find out info but said the paperwork was so overwhelming that she would rather do what she could on her own. So she made sure I went to Disneyland often, we still never did the Disneyworld thing but since my disease went in to remission I've said I would do it someday. Now I'm taking my kids (how funny that I wasn't going to live, truth be said only God knows)Anyway we had looked in to Disneyworld but it still was out of reach so we planned the Disneyland thing again. Now we have to put that off too....I'm sure there's a reason for this but it just pissing me off that everytime I decide to do something for myself something always happens. I don't get it. I try so hard to always bring happiness to others but once and a while I'd like my turn too.

Okay- now that I've got all that out. I'm going to go finish up some laundry and figure out what to cook for dinner.

I love this blog thing. It's so nice to release feelings and not have to worry about anybodys judgement.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Ticking...

You ever notice that you don't really hear the ticking of a clock unless you're sitting in quiet or staring at. I was thinking about that today in relation with people. Everybody has something to say but you don't always hear them unless you're trying to pay attention. Clocks keep ticking whether you hear them or not and it's the same with people. They keep talking whether you're listening or not. Some people you want to pull the batteries out of for a minute. ;-) No, but really. It seems a lot of people don't take the time to stop and listen to people in need. Sometimes it's the people in your own home that need it and if you're not listening you don't know. Especially with kids. I notice the difference in my kids when I take extra time to really hear and understand what they say. Today is the 6 year anniversary of Columbine. I wonder if those kids were like the clocks in my house constantly ticking but nobody noticing. It's so sad.

On a happier note, I've been feeling a little better. My sciatica isn't acting up but I'm still having terrible lower back and shoulder pain. I know time will heal it. I wish I could say that about all of the problems in the world.

Friday, April 15, 2005

The Starfish Story

I wanted to post this because every time I read it I want to share it:

The story that has been part of the inspiration for my other website: http://lightingchildrenslives.org...

The Starfish story

While walking down the beach, a man saw someone in the distance leaning down, picking something up and throwing it in the ocean.

As he came closer, he saw thousands of starfish the tide had thrown onto the beach. Unable to return to the ocean during low tide, the starfish were dying. He observed a young boy picking up the starfish one by one and throwing them back into the ocean.

After watching the seemingly futile effort, the observer said, "There must be thousands of starfish on this beach. It would be impossible for you to save all of them. There are simply too many. You can't possibly save enough to make a difference.

The young boy smiled as he picked up another starfish and tossed it back into the ocean.

"It made a difference to that one," he replied

Each of us is but one person; limited, burdened with our own cares and responsibilities. We may feel there is so much to be done, and we have so little to give. We're usually short of everything, especially time and money.

When we leave this shore, there will still be millions of starfish stranded on the beach. Maybe we can't change the whole world, but there isn't one of us who can't help change one person's whole world. One at a time. We can make a difference.

New day

So, it's a new day and I'm still sore but in a better frame of mind this morning. I read the suggestion in my comments and I'm going to try and get that book today. It was so nice to wake up, check the blog and see comments. :-) Just when you feel nobody gets it somebody comes through and says "I do"

Anyways, I was reading a post today about kids questions and thought I would share a cute story from yesterday, My 4 year old daughter decided she wanted wendy's yesterday, so we go and get it, once the foods in the car she's digging through her bag I ask her "what is she doing" and she says, "making sure there's no fingers." Then started asking me about a hundred questions about the lady that claimed she had a finger in her chili from Wendy's. I asked her, "if she was so concerned about it why did she want to eat there". She says "to see the finger". Too funny. Part of me questioned why am I arguing with this 4 year old and the other part of me just wanted to pull over and hug her for being so damn cute. Later her 11 year old brother comes home from his baseball game and mentions the Wendy's thing- She tells him "I didn't get a finger" Back and forth with them goes the discussion again. DAMN NEWS!!! I want them to have discussions about their day and the sunshine and their feelings- Instead our house is full of the discussion over the Wendy's chili finger. Can't help but sit back and laugh. Precious moments- the things we live for.

Thursday, April 14, 2005

OUCH!!!

So, I haven't wrote anything lately on my blog, my journal that I write in at home is now overflowing.

I got in a car accident a couple of weeks ago, I seem to be a magnet for stupid people that can't drive. This time however, was worse than the other fender benders. This time I feel pain! OUCH! Over 2 weeks later and I still can't stand for too long without my back hurting or type too much without my shoulder killing me.

Don't get me wrong, I know how blessed I am, my son would've been with me if it wasn't for him being on Easter break. I could've been way more seriously injured but still this is my blog and I want to whine can't really whine at home I have 3 kids ( an 11 year old son, a 4 year old daughter and a husband) they don't understand. They think I'm supermom, and superwife, just take a pill like you do to stop you from being sad take one so you can do everything you did before the accident. They don't get it. Hell, I don't get it. I haven't told them about my blog, I wonder if something happened to me and they found it would they be hurt that I shielded these feelings from them?

I have so many things I want to say sometimes and don't. I feel like they have to deal with my emotional bullshit enough, why talk about it? I guess I just have a lot of feelings right now because I'm worried. I worry that I might have back problems forever and be limited to what I do. I worry that my disease will somehow come back out of remission and kill me. I don't have the energy to explain my disease right now but I'll give the short version: I have a form of scleroderma .When I was 12 it started on my toe and moved up to the back of my left thigh, eating the pigmentation, about 1/3 of the muscle and bone and then stopped. Before it stopped they told my mom I would live about 10 years max because it would probably move in to my internal organs.

So I've always been scared of the unknown. If I get a stomach ache, I think this is it- However, I'm 31 now and besides my mental problems :-) I'm okay. But now, since the accident my leg has being killing me, I'm having problems with my sciatica nerve which causes shooting pains but then my leg goes into cramping and it's so painful when you only have a portion of that muscle to cramp.

Anyway, my shoulder is starting to hurt so I'll continue in another post soon. Maybe I'll go through and list out some of the directions life has taken me with my disease, drugs, rehabing from drugs, having kids and changing my life. I also have to decided to talk about happy stuff so this doesn't become my woes me, bitch journal. :-)

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