Thursday, April 14, 2005


So, I haven't wrote anything lately on my blog, my journal that I write in at home is now overflowing.

I got in a car accident a couple of weeks ago, I seem to be a magnet for stupid people that can't drive. This time however, was worse than the other fender benders. This time I feel pain! OUCH! Over 2 weeks later and I still can't stand for too long without my back hurting or type too much without my shoulder killing me.

Don't get me wrong, I know how blessed I am, my son would've been with me if it wasn't for him being on Easter break. I could've been way more seriously injured but still this is my blog and I want to whine can't really whine at home I have 3 kids ( an 11 year old son, a 4 year old daughter and a husband) they don't understand. They think I'm supermom, and superwife, just take a pill like you do to stop you from being sad take one so you can do everything you did before the accident. They don't get it. Hell, I don't get it. I haven't told them about my blog, I wonder if something happened to me and they found it would they be hurt that I shielded these feelings from them?

I have so many things I want to say sometimes and don't. I feel like they have to deal with my emotional bullshit enough, why talk about it? I guess I just have a lot of feelings right now because I'm worried. I worry that I might have back problems forever and be limited to what I do. I worry that my disease will somehow come back out of remission and kill me. I don't have the energy to explain my disease right now but I'll give the short version: I have a form of scleroderma .When I was 12 it started on my toe and moved up to the back of my left thigh, eating the pigmentation, about 1/3 of the muscle and bone and then stopped. Before it stopped they told my mom I would live about 10 years max because it would probably move in to my internal organs.

So I've always been scared of the unknown. If I get a stomach ache, I think this is it- However, I'm 31 now and besides my mental problems :-) I'm okay. But now, since the accident my leg has being killing me, I'm having problems with my sciatica nerve which causes shooting pains but then my leg goes into cramping and it's so painful when you only have a portion of that muscle to cramp.

Anyway, my shoulder is starting to hurt so I'll continue in another post soon. Maybe I'll go through and list out some of the directions life has taken me with my disease, drugs, rehabing from drugs, having kids and changing my life. I also have to decided to talk about happy stuff so this doesn't become my woes me, bitch journal. :-)

after my trial
i had siatica so bad
i could hardly walk 6 steps
then i had to stop
bent over in pain

john sarno has an amazing book
about bad pain
and the emotions
connected to it

i am ur first poster
kinda cool
Oh, my gosh! Rosie posted on your blog! Too cool! I found your blog via Rosie's blog. I enjoyed reading about your pain..well, you KNOW what I mean.
Take care and be well. Renee
Well Rosie's been busy. she's visited quite a few blogs in the last day or so. Anyway, I know how you feel. It's cool!

I've enjoyed your blog. Keep writing. It's good for the soul.

You have a lot on your plate, physical and emotional. It is great that you can find some joy with your loved ones. Sometimes that's the best medicine.

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