Tuesday, May 24, 2005


I've been so tired trying to get through this recovery process. I'm physically, emotionally & mentally EXHAUSTED. I wake up and wonder how I will do everyday. Last week I found a lump under my arm, on top of all of this other stuff I now am fighting the anxieties of this lump. My grandmother died of breast cancer and because of my history with scleroderma I automatically think the worst and try to put on a happy face for my family. I made a Dr appt for June 1st to find out what's going on with my body but the nightmares are killing me. All of a sudden all of the insecurities in my life are right there in front of my face. Even with my husband, I apologized to him today at lunch because I kept giving him dirty looks for looking at this amazingly beautiful woman. I felt like he'll never look at me like that and with all these constant issues, who would want to? I think of that show "the swan" I hate that people go through that just to feel good about themselves but at the same time somehow, somewhere deep in my mind, I feel envious. I wish I could fix my looks like that. Somehow then my husband would love me more, I would have more friends, people would notice me. I don't know why I long for attention like that and couldn't just feel good about myself without it. I love when I have my kids friends over and they think I'm the coolest mom ever. Makes me feel good. Huh, 11 & 4 year olds but I can't feel that way about myself without some sort of affirmation. ----On a positive note: the sun is shining again and I'm looking forward to watching my kids run through the sprinklers and take picnics in the park. Thank you God for bringing sunshine through my clouds.

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

Daily Thoughts and inspiration...

It's now May 6th and I realized this post takes way too much space. So I'm going to try and create another page on my other site to link this too because there are so many great sayings that I'd love to keep posted....but for now I'll shorten it up a bit.
I've decided to add some of the things that I read that inspire me....I wish I always had the strength to follow all of these words. But I know life is one big lesson learned and I'll make of it what I can. First and foremost I LOVE all types of music and find a lot of inspiration through it, so I'll list some of my musical influences...

Musical Lyrics-
Throughout life people will make you mad, disrespect you and treat you bad. Let God deal with the things they do, cause hate in your heart will consume you too.-Will Smith "Just the two of us"

I believe the children are our are future
Teach them well and let them lead the way
Show them all the beauty they possess inside -Whitney Houston "Greatest love of all"

People killin', people dyin'
Children hurt and you hear them cryin'
Can you practice what you preach
And would you turn the other cheek

Father, Father, Father help us
Send us some guidance from above
'Cause people got me, got me questionin'
Where is the love? (Love)
-Black eyed peas "Where is the love?"

To all
the ladies havin babies on they own
I know it's kinda rough and you're feelin
all alone
Daddy's long gone and he left you by ya lonesome
Thank the Lord
for my kids, even if nobody else want em
Cause I think we can make it, in
fact, I'm sure
And if you fall, stand tall and comeback for more

-Tupac "Keep ya head up"

Right now a lot of my faves are from Kanye West:
We at war with terrorism, racism, and most of all we at war with ourselves
(Jesus Walks)
God show me the way because the Devil trying to break me down
(Jesus Walks with me) with me with me with me [fades]- Jesus Walks

Daily Inspirations...

People who fight fire with fire usually end up with ashes.- Abigail Van Buren

You cannot do a kindness too soon, for you never know how soon it will be too late.- Ralph Waldo Emerson

The pursuit of happiness is a most ridiculous phrase; if you pursue happiness you'll never find it. -C.P Snow

Kind words are the music of the world. They have a power which seems to be beyond natural causes, as if they were some angel’s song which had lost its way and come to earth.

One person can have a profound effect on another. And two people...well, two people can work miracles. They can change a whole town. They can change the world. -
Diane Frolov and Andrew Schneider,

To be brave is to love someone unconditionally, without expecting anything in return. To just give. That takes courage, because we don't want to fall on our faces or leave ourselves open to hurt.- Madonna

You give but little when you give of your possessions. It is when you give of yourself that you truly give. -Khalil Gibran

"Love doesn't make the world go round; love is what makes the ride worth while."
- Franklin P. Jones

Life is like a baseball game. When you think a fastball is coming, you gotta be ready to hit the curve. - Jaja Q

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Grey sky syndrome...

I'm tired of this feeling. The feeling of not being able to do what I want to do. I ache. I know that the healing process takes time but I'm so tired of it. I'm only half ass functional on medication but the meds give me worse anxiety, the anxiety makes me more depressed and all and all I feel like I'm a pain in the ass. People keep asking me "how are you feeling" "getting any better???" I've just begun to answer "fine" and "yeah". I remind myself of how much worse this could be but in the meantime it's hard. I want to go throw the ball around with my son. Pick up my daughter. HAVE SEX! Geez. All of these things you don't think about doing as much until you can't. I want to make the most of my time off but I can't do a lot of the things I'd like to do. On top of all of that, I've been in the house for over a month. Getting out mostly for Dr. appts. I feel like I'm swirling down a black hole, I'm trying to continue to claw my way up and out but it's hard. I have these stupid feelings normally but usually can try to pre-occupy myself. Now I'm coloring posters and the colors aren't as bright as they were before. I don't want to talk about it as much at home because I feel like I'm complaining and I don't want to make everybody else deal with my problems. They have to deal with enough of my issues without this pain stuff. The doc wants me to up my lexapro (that's my anxiety/depression med) but I can't stand feeling like I'm going to be dependent on that my whole life. Why can't I just be normal? What makes me just freak out? Why am I sad inside? Why do I need a pill to make me normal when other people can just not care about things and be fine?

Well, I said I want to put positive in this too so I will. My husband finally got the call from PG&E today! His dream job. We're praying for this to come through. Over the years I've kinda been the breadwinner, not a lot but we've made it. But I've always wanted to be a teacher or work with "special" children but we couldn't afford for me to accept that type of pay but if he got on with a company like PG&E and made better money I might be able to follow my dream. Who knows??? Funny but I just thought geez after reading my last paragraph who would want me with their kids. But believe it or not, that's what I'm best at and it makes me so happy to see children smile and know I'm making a difference in their lives. That's what my kids do for me, keep me going...

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