Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Grey sky syndrome...

I'm tired of this feeling. The feeling of not being able to do what I want to do. I ache. I know that the healing process takes time but I'm so tired of it. I'm only half ass functional on medication but the meds give me worse anxiety, the anxiety makes me more depressed and all and all I feel like I'm a pain in the ass. People keep asking me "how are you feeling" "getting any better???" I've just begun to answer "fine" and "yeah". I remind myself of how much worse this could be but in the meantime it's hard. I want to go throw the ball around with my son. Pick up my daughter. HAVE SEX! Geez. All of these things you don't think about doing as much until you can't. I want to make the most of my time off but I can't do a lot of the things I'd like to do. On top of all of that, I've been in the house for over a month. Getting out mostly for Dr. appts. I feel like I'm swirling down a black hole, I'm trying to continue to claw my way up and out but it's hard. I have these stupid feelings normally but usually can try to pre-occupy myself. Now I'm coloring posters and the colors aren't as bright as they were before. I don't want to talk about it as much at home because I feel like I'm complaining and I don't want to make everybody else deal with my problems. They have to deal with enough of my issues without this pain stuff. The doc wants me to up my lexapro (that's my anxiety/depression med) but I can't stand feeling like I'm going to be dependent on that my whole life. Why can't I just be normal? What makes me just freak out? Why am I sad inside? Why do I need a pill to make me normal when other people can just not care about things and be fine?

Well, I said I want to put positive in this too so I will. My husband finally got the call from PG&E today! His dream job. We're praying for this to come through. Over the years I've kinda been the breadwinner, not a lot but we've made it. But I've always wanted to be a teacher or work with "special" children but we couldn't afford for me to accept that type of pay but if he got on with a company like PG&E and made better money I might be able to follow my dream. Who knows??? Funny but I just thought geez after reading my last paragraph who would want me with their kids. But believe it or not, that's what I'm best at and it makes me so happy to see children smile and know I'm making a difference in their lives. That's what my kids do for me, keep me going...

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