Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Tired....

I've been so tired trying to get through this recovery process. I'm physically, emotionally & mentally EXHAUSTED. I wake up and wonder how I will do everyday. Last week I found a lump under my arm, on top of all of this other stuff I now am fighting the anxieties of this lump. My grandmother died of breast cancer and because of my history with scleroderma I automatically think the worst and try to put on a happy face for my family. I made a Dr appt for June 1st to find out what's going on with my body but the nightmares are killing me. All of a sudden all of the insecurities in my life are right there in front of my face. Even with my husband, I apologized to him today at lunch because I kept giving him dirty looks for looking at this amazingly beautiful woman. I felt like he'll never look at me like that and with all these constant issues, who would want to? I think of that show "the swan" I hate that people go through that just to feel good about themselves but at the same time somehow, somewhere deep in my mind, I feel envious. I wish I could fix my looks like that. Somehow then my husband would love me more, I would have more friends, people would notice me. I don't know why I long for attention like that and couldn't just feel good about myself without it. I love when I have my kids friends over and they think I'm the coolest mom ever. Makes me feel good. Huh, 11 & 4 year olds but I can't feel that way about myself without some sort of affirmation. ----On a positive note: the sun is shining again and I'm looking forward to watching my kids run through the sprinklers and take picnics in the park. Thank you God for bringing sunshine through my clouds.

Comments:
Hello Melanie,
Thanks so much for your kind words on my blog. That was so very nice of you to take the time to read what I have to say. There's a lot of rawness on my site..I suppose that I just tell it like it is..my feelings, I mean.
Wow..aren't you a lucky duck to have Ro write twice on your blog? She has written that many times on mine as well. We are both kindred souls, which is evident in our writings...
I hope that your lump was not too serious. For the longest time, I had a lump in my breast..I was 21 when I finally went to my gynocologist and asked him to look at it. Come to find out, I was wearing the wrong bras, which created the lump...go figure.
I am looking forward to reading more of your posts. Thanks again for stopping by my blog, stranger/friend.

Through tolerance and love, we can achieve peace.

Sarah
 
Hi Mel...I see that you haven't posted in almost two months. I hope that you are getting better. I am praying that you will find renewed strength and hope in your fight. Wishing you well, Renee 7/16
 
Mel,

You could be experiencing PTSD. Does your neurologist know this?

~Deb
 
Deb,

PTSD hasn't been mentioned as of yet except by some support group friends. I see my neurologist again on October 11th and I will mention it. Also, my primary care doc and my neurologist work really closely on issues regarding me so they both know exactly what I'm on. My neurologist also talked to a rheumatologist regarding me to make sure that he was accurate is his assumptions about whats going on with me.

Is PTSD different than anxiety? or just another form?
 
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