Friday, September 30, 2005

Recovery...

There's no one to blame
When you can't stop the rain

It grasps around me, tightening the hold
Overwhelming emotions beginning to unfold

It goes so much deeper than my skin
the saddened heart trying to escape from within

Trying so hard to deal with the pain
My old spirit I'd like to regain


I've been past the point of this is all I can take
Stuggling to smile for my families sake

I want to find a way to once again become whole
Please somebody rescue this deeply damaged soul.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

MOODSWING!!!

I'm so tired of feeling sorry for myself...

Tired of wondering if my husband will still want me with my limp,cane,and mental issues...

Tired of wondering if my kids are going to grow up and think, damn mom was a wacko...

Tired of wondering how many friends will get tired of constantly having to reassure me that everything will be okay someday...

Tired of wondering about the longterm effect that the accident will have had on me..

Tired of worrying if my job is going to keep me after being off so long...

SO I've decided to change my mood (for this minute at least) Here's some new music to dance too- or in my case sit and nod your head to while the kids dance around...Lovin Gwen Stefani- Hollaback Girl!!!

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

BEAUTIFUL.....

For some reason, I really needed this song today...Beautiful was playing but I needed to remove it so that I could play my next post.

Sunday, September 25, 2005

Top 10!

Sometimes you have to take time out and remind yourself of the things that make you happy. I'm trying to keep myself out of that hole today. So here we go:

10 Things to be happy for today!

1. My 2 wonderfully healthy and gorgeous children
2. My husband- whom is accepting to me & all my faults. (Although he's not ALWAYS happy about them)
3. My family being safe.
4. I woke up this morning. (always a blessing)
5.Believing that there is a light at the end of the tunnel
6. My dog Sheba- 13 years and still by my side.
7. My best friends, Jennifer & Christina, they know I'm crazy and love me anyway.
8. The wonderful support I've found here, it's nice to know you have stranger friends willing to listen and care.
9. So many have lost so much, I'm happy with all I do have.
10. My grass is growing and my roses bloomed.

Please feel free to chime in and leave your top 10's in my comments section...

Gotta be me...



Be who you are and say what you feel
because those who mind don't matter
and those who matter don't mind...-Dr. Suess

Saturday, September 24, 2005

Serenity Prayer...


God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;

The courage to change the things I can;

and the wisdom to know the difference.

Friday, September 23, 2005

I'm so tired of this...

I'm so tired of feeling like this. I need support and don't know what anybody can say to help me. Everybody says hang in there but damn I'm at the end of my rope..I've tied a knot and I'm hanging on as tight as I can.

I wanna laugh, I don't wanna feel this saddness deep inside of me and I don't want to keep freaking out everywhere I go. I'm tired of being in pain physically, mentally, emotionally, just everything...

We had to go to dinner for my brother in laws birthday tonight and the whole night has just been a blur to me. I remember sitting in the restaurant and just staring at my plate, feeling sick to my stomach and feeling like I was stuck in my own little sad world. I could see people laughing around me but couldn't join. I couldn't snap out of it and then I started getting anxious thinking OMG everybody probably knows I'm freaking out right now, they must think I have serious issues (I do ) but I don't like feeling like I'm being judged and truth be known now that I'm home nobody probably even noticed. I was invisable.

Does all that make sense?

Thankfully I have my beautiful children and my husband, who has been more understanding then I would've ever imagined he could be...

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Wellbutrin woes...I'm tired of being depressed and in pain...

SO, now my neurologist added a pill for my nerve pain: neurtonin. I get home and google it (like I do everything) and see it's taken as a mood stabilizer too and could add more depression to some. So, let me update you:

8am I start my morning with 150mg wellbutrin sr.
10am 1-2 vicoden for pain
12- 200mgs neurtonin
4pm- 150mgs wellbutrin
6pm- 1-2 vicoden for pain
8pm- 10mgs lexapro
9pm- 600 mgs neutonin

also if i have any anxiety i take xanex and if my leg pain is unbearable after the vicoden i take a muscle relaxer called tizadine???

So, I'm a person who can't stand pills and used to only take lexapro and since my accident in March (car) I've had to add all of these other pills and now with my doc adding neurtonin, I'm really upset. I'm scared of how I may react. I'm scared I'm going to continue to take all of these pills and OD or something. I just want to feel better...When will I feel better???

Has anybody taken these kind of mix of pills? I need to feel secure in taking them, I'm so scared I'm shaking and think I might spin into an anxiety attack.

Why don't I feel even a little bit better? 10 days on wellbutrin 150mg and now 6 days on the 300mgs and I still feel NO different.

The WB was supposed to help my depression, help lose weight, bring my sex drive back and stop smoking. YEAH as I sit here crying, on the couch (separate from hubby) smoking and with bon-bons next to me, I find that very hard to believe. I've been on WB 10 days at 150mg and now 6 days at 300mgs= NOTHING.

How long should this take? I've read that people reacted so quickly to the wb. Can anybody tell me in their experience: when did you lose your appetite? Was is right away? When did you begin to lose weight? When did you stop smoking? When did you start to feel better? When will I stop crying????

It doesn't help that there's all of these other world problems, I feel horrible about not being able to give enough to the hurricane katrina survivors. I wish I could help more. Somehow I don't feel strong enough to help myself yet I have the strength to try and help the world. I guess it's easier to deal with other peoples issues than my own.

I will continue to say prayers for all of our people in Iraq, the hurricane survivors and all of the people that are scared of this next hurricane (Rita) hitting home. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE God help us and give us a break. We need your grace.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Huricane Katrina....

I have so many thoughts and feelings regarding this subject. However, I don't want to get into them right now. Instead I want to ask for anybody that comes here to do their part and help. I'm posting a copy of an email that I sent out to EVERYBODY in my address book and hope they will forward it as well:


We have all been touched in one way or another by the terrible tragedy of hurricane Katrina. I know I, for one, wish I could give so much and do so much more. Luckily, I have been blessed with coming across a wonderful site where I found I can help. I don't have much money but one thing we all have is time. PeopleFinderVolunteer's is a site where people can email information about their loved one's they are looking for.

Well, the response has been overwhelming and they need volunteer's to help enter this information in their database. I signed up yesterday and was able to enter over 100 names in this database. It's extremely easy and you don't need to be computer savvy to do it. I think you can't put a price on finding the loved one's you've feared lost forever.

Please, anybody that has a few extra minutes take some time to look at this site. You can even just enter a couple of names and mark it incomplete and somebody else will come and finish what you've started.

Thank you in advance for your time.

http://192.122.183.218/wiki/index.php/PeopleFinderVolunteer

PLEASE even if you don't take time to do this- send your prayers. They have lost everything. Their homes, loved ones, friends, family, pictures, memories, jobs & much much more...They need all the prayers they can get.

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