Thursday, October 27, 2005
I have PMS!!!
WOW- I have issues AND PMS!!! Can't help but laugh at myself.
So with that said, I'll try and make some light of this...
The many meanings of P-M-S:
1.Pass My Shotgun
2.Psychotic Mood Shift
3.Perpetual Munching Spree
5.People Make me Sick
6.Provide Me with Sweets
7.Pardon My Sobbing
8.Pimples May Surface
9.Pass My Sweatpants
10.Pissy Mood Syndrome
11.Plainly; Men Suck
12.Pack My Stuff .....
and my favorite one.. 13.Potential Murder Suspect
Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb? A: One!!! ONLY ONE!!!!
And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They'd sit there in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out!! And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 13 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find the bulbs 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!!
Okay on a serious note, I do realize this brings up some things I should discuss with my doctor. However, I'm so tired of new things coming up and I feel like a pest continuing to discuss them. I know that my doctor genuinely cares about me and might not feel that way but I can't help but feel like it. I feel like I have more issues than any of the people she sees (I know that might not be true but I can't really convince myself of that) I don't want more pills for this but do want to know if there is a different way to handle it. I'm handling my depression and anxiety better since the wellbutrin but it seems like I have about 10 days out of the month that are VERY tough. I wonder should I just be happy with being okay for 20 days out of the month??? I wonder how horrible that must be for my family. I've always heard jokes about PMS but I never really thought I've experienced it so much. Now, since the accident and all of these medication changes and such it seems like my body and mind has went through so many changes that this is just how it's going to be. Okay done with the wah wah wah~~~~
Now let me discuss some happy thoughts.
Halloween is right around the corner and if I do say so myself, I have the CUTEST Minnie mouse in my house I've ever seen...Here's a sneak peak of my daughter's Halloween costume:
I usually don't post pictures of my kids but I just couldn't resist this. She's kinda camera shy so she wouldn't open her eyes for this one. Hopefully I'll get a better one on Halloween. My son is going the "I'm getting to old to dress up route" Yeah- at 11!!! However, he's decided to be the character from the scream movies. At least it's something, I guess. My baby boy's getting older. *sigh* . My husband is trying to get off for Halloween but it's not looking real good. I hope he does since we've spent every Halloween together trick or treating with the kids as a family since my son was born. I know how much he really wants to be there but I also know he knows how we could use the money. But something's are just more important than money. Trick or treating will also be different this year because I won't be able to walk house to house with my kids, I'll have to drive along side. The good thing is we will be going to our church harvest festival too so we won't have to do too much house to housing afterwards. YEAH!
Next, I wanted to address the thing in my previous post about wanting to buy things for my children. I appreciate the feedback of everybody and did want to explain a little more of what I meant. One of the comments left were about how somebody was spoiled financially when they were raised and would've much rather had love. Well, I actually feel the same way about my childhood. My mother gave me everything I wanted and my dad tried to always pay me off for not being around by buying me anything. My mom and stepdad worked night jobs and I was left alone daily from about 5pm to 11pm. I, too, would've given everything back to have had the proper attention and supervision. I know my mom loves me and always has but she also gave me way too much freedom at such a young age and turned her cheek to the things I was doing for attention; drinking, smoking, stealing money from her, and eventually doing more serious drugs. I don't want to blame it all on her ( I say all because I guess I do put some fault on her, I still to this day feel that having money was more important to my mom than a relationship with me, like she gave up. It wasn't like she was working to make ends meat, we had that and some, we had more than enough and that was obvious by all she bought me and still obvious to me by all she has now. And let me point out history repeating itself, she rarely see's her grandchildren- however spends tons of time upgrading her million dollar home or flying elsewhere on her husbands plane) I know a lot of children that have been left alone at night and didn't go those routes. But I did.
I don't want to say I regret any of my life because I've learned from all of it. One of the things I've brought from that was keeping my kids involved in as many extra curricular activities (sports, cheerleading, school paper,etc) and keeping myself available to my children as much as possible. Being home at night to eat together, to help them with homework, to talk and support. I hope this doesn't lead me to being to overprotective because of my fears but I'm working on that. Anyway, I would love to give them the best of BOTH worlds. Give to them in financial means (not outrageous) and give them all the love and support they need. I guess we can only do what we can though. And I do know that in the future, someday, they will understand the financial issues and hopefully will be thankful that no matter what they always had plentiful of our love.
Quote of the day
Obstacles don’t have to stop you. If you run into a wall, don’t turn around and give up. Figure out how to climb it, go through it, or work around it.-Michael Jordan
Monday, October 24, 2005
One minute I feel somewhat content and the next I'm a mess. Yesterday, I experienced severe sciatica pain again. I almost fell over walking in to my house. We had just got home from church and thankfully my son was by my side to stop me from falling.
My son, poor thing, he so catches the brunt of all of my mess. He hugged me yesterday and said he loved me as I was crying. Told me everything would be alright. Then today I pick him up from school and turn on him. He just wanted to request an early birthday present and go to his baseball practice (which I had made a special request to his coach that we skip today) I was so upset with him. I called him selfish and told him he doesn't even care about all that's going on. He's going through his little pre-teen back talk and today I just couldn't handle it. But, I was wrong to take everything out on him. I did apologize to him later. And he admitted to knowing he was wrong too but I feel terrible.
Want a picture of some of what's inside my mind? Here it is:
Those are just a few of the things going on in there.
Home life- My husband's job is very demanding right now. He's here and gone. Sometimes gone Mon-Thurs and right now he's on an 11 day straight run. It will be nice when he gets his check, but I feel so terrible that he can't even enjoy the extra money he's working so far for because we're barely making it paycheck to paycheck. I'm paying the credit card minimum payments and waiting for them to clear so that I can charge groceries on them. Back in credit card debt. We were in up to 20k before and got out when we re-financed our home. Now we're almost back there again.
Money- I was used to always pulling my weight, even being the main bread winner at most times so now I feel so bad not even pulling my weight. My husband tries to reassure me that it's okay but I can't help but feel like it's all my fault. If only I could go back to work. I could fix it all. Damn my leg. Damn my back. Damn me.
Family- I'm doing my best to be the best mom and wife I can be but I feel like I'm struggling. I feel like I can't give my husband the attention he needs. I still can't even sleep in our bed. 6 months of sleeping in my daughters bed, on the couch or on the floor. Anywhere to try and keep myself out of pain and comfortable. Our bed is horrible. When I try to sleep there I always end up screwed up the next day. I know beating myself up isn't good for anybody and I know my moods have got to be hard for the kids. I try so hard to make sure it doesn't affect them but days like today, I couldn't do anything about it. I don't want to do that to them. I don't want them to have to suffer in any way for our losses. I know - things could be so much worse. But see, I'm used to spoiling my kids, buying them what they want for their birthdays and Christmas and I'm fearful this year I won't be able to do that. My daughter still doesn't really understand so she's not really affected as she doesn't really expect but my son, I've always done everything to make his birthday special and Christmas. This year I had to explain to him that we just can't. That we can continue doing our family time together and I have tons of love to give but that's it for now. On top of that I feel like this is such an important age for me to not be giving him anything to have any grief over and yet we have all this stuff going on at home.
Work- well there's a lot to say here too. I've always worked. Since I was 14, actually before that I had a paper route. I'm not the type of person that sits still well and since the accident I've had to learn to do that. My work has always relied on me a lot and they're learning how to do things without me now. I know they still need me in many ways but I'm just worried about the what if's. What if my dr. says I need to be off even longer than expected (beginning of the year 2006)? What if I end up permanently disabled from this? Will my work accept this? And allow me to work from home? Will I have to start over with something else? I am going to school to get my associates in early childhood education but I want to be able to slowly change over to doing something in that field. Not be forced out of what I'm doing now. I want to complete this and do it right.
Health- Well I've named many of my concerns with this already but I have more on top of what happened in the accident. I already was deal with a very weak immune system and scleroderma. I've also dealt with anxiety since I've had my daughter. However, it's now worse than ever and on top of that I'm dealing with depression which is a factor I've never had to deal with on this level.
I know some of these things I bring on myself. I know there's probably a better way to deal with all of this. I know I have a very full plate. I know, I know, I know. But what do I do. I've always had a full plate and never felt this stressed before. I'm still on so many medications and I would just think that everything should be balancing out by now. I'm trying to do all of the things that I would think would be helpful. I can't cut things out of my life because who then would take care of them? Shhheeeeesssshhhhh I guess it's just one of those days. I'm praying for a better tomorrow.
Thanks for listening stranger friends....
Friday, October 21, 2005
Today, I took a BIG step, I enrolled in college. I'm going for it. I would like to get my associates degree in early childhood education. I know it's going to be tough balancing everything but it's something I really feel I need to do. For me.
I have a habit of getting involved in things and diving in head first, even to the point of overwhelming myself. I do it with work, I do it with new friends, I do it with hobbies, everything... Don't get me wrong, I don't regret any of the experiences I've had. I know they've all lead me to where I am. However, I also know, I do what I can with something new real fast and then eventually get bored and want to go on to something else. It seems I have LOTS of big idea's but tend to not stick with them.
So, I'm going to start trying to stick with the things I want. I'm going to follow through until the end. I'm promising myself. On top of that I'm going to balance everything so that I don't start neglecting other areas of my life while I'm trying this new venture.
1) My Associates Degree
2) New Home
3) Open a daycare/preschool
4) Write a book (possibly a children's book)
5) Still get that honeymoon with hubby
On another note- this isn't necessarily a goal but something I would love advice on doing.
I have some people in my life whom I've been very hurt by (mainly my mother and father) I know these people love me but still expect me to be something I'm not. I want to learn how to forgive and accept this. Do I tell them they've made me feel like this? Even if it could possibly hurt them and will never change the way they are? I know it would probably be better to go a little more in depth about the issues but I just don't feel like going through it all over again today. I've already had to absorb a lot since I've had phone calls from both my mother and father today. I also have another person who is very important to me that I would love to solve all of their problems but instead tend to take them on myself too.
Why do I continue to overwhelm myself with other people's issues?
Why can't I accept that if somebody doesn't want to change, they won't, no matter how destructive they may be being to themselves?
Why do I allow myself to be hurt when I know that's not always the intention of the other person?
I guess I need to figure out some of these things and add that as an emotional goal.
Any advice is always appreciated. Thanks stranger friends.
Thursday, October 20, 2005
For you...You know who you are...
But I can listen to you, and together we will search for answers.
I can't change your past with all it's heartache and pain,nor the future with its untold stories.
But I can be there now when you need me to care.
I can't keep your feet from stumbling.
I can only offer my hand that you may grasp it and not fall.
Your joys, triumphs, successes, and happiness are not mine;
Yet I can share in your laughter.
Your decisions in life are not mine to make, nor to judge;
I can only support you, encourage you,and help you when you ask.
I can't prevent you from falling away from friendship, from your values, from me.
I can only pray for you, talk to you and wait for you.
I can't give you boundaries which I have determined for you,
But I can give you the room to change, room to grow,room to be yourself.
I can't keep your heart from breaking and hurting,
But I can cry with you and help you pick up the pieces and put them back in place.
I can't tell you who you are.
I can only love you and be your friend
"We've shared so much laughter, so many tears. We're a spiritual bond that grows stronger each year. We're not sisters by birth, but we knew from the start, something put us together to be sisters by heart." - Unknown
Monday, October 17, 2005
Okay, I was tagged and I'm taking forever to answer all of these questions. So for now I'll post what I have... Enjoy this little trip into my mind...
7 things I plan to do before I die.
1. Go on a honeymoon with my hubby to an exotic location (never had a honeymoon)
2. Watch my children follow and fulfill their dreams
3. Spoil my grandkids (when they come along, no rush)
4. Find myself and accept who that is.
5. Get my Associates Degree in Early Childhood Education (I would LOVE to work with children)
6. Buy my dreamhouse.
7. Write a book
7 things I can do.
2. Make other people laugh.
3. Make my children feel very secure.
4. Give good advice (although I don't always take it)
6. Work very hard and do a damn good job.
7. Cook some killa fried chicken
7 things I can not do
1. Can't take a compliment without thinking to myself some negative thing of myself to balance it out.
2. Refuse to lose an argument- in my mind I'm always right.
3. Can't completely let go of the past.
4. Lie without telling on myself.
5. Can't conquer my fears.
6. Can't settle for less. I always want bigger and better for myself and everybody I care for and will do my best to help everybody achieve their personal best.
7. Can't accept my faults.
7 things that attract me to the opposite sex
1. Eyes- they're the gateway to the soul.
3. Body (I'm not even going to lie, a nice six pack doesn't hurt anybody)
4. Compassion & understanding
5. Goals- knows what he wants from life
6. Strong- I want a man that can be my rock, I want to feel safe with him.
7. Respect- I love a man that shows respect to everybody and expects that same respect back.
7 things I say the most often
1. Are you serious?
2. Yeah right
4. I love you (very important to say it often to your loved ones)
5. Shut the front door (better than saying shut the f*** up.
6. What a bitch
7. What the f**k??? (usually said at work, LOL)
7 Celebrity crushes
1. Shamar Moore
2. Michael Ealy
3. Matthew McConaughey
4. Alex Rodriguez
5. Derek Jeter
6. Brad Pitt
7. Angelina Jolie ( I don't swing that way but if I did, it would be for her. She's beyond sexy.)
Well, there you go. A little more insight into my crazy world.
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
Who am I?
I spend so much time home now that I do a lot of soul searching and over analyzing myself.
I haven't really figured out who I am yet but I know a lot of who I was.
I was- a 10 year old only child of from a divorced family, with an abusive alcoholic father and a mother and a stepdad that worked nights and trusted me to handle that.
I was- a child that got curious on her evenings alone and found other recreational activities.
I was- diagnosed with scleroderma when I was about 11 and began watching my leg slowly deteriorate.
I was- too much for my mother to handle by the time I was 14 she sent me to live with my father.
I was- a still very curious teenager, allowed to make my own curfew and decisions by a father who could be located easily at the closest bar.
I was- lucky to still be born smart enough to somehow keep on track with school and graduate with a 4.0
I was- pregnant in high school and miscarried
I was- living with a man a barely knew right out of high school
I was- pregnant at 18
I was- still confused even after having my child
I was- raising myself and my child at the same time
I was- learning to love, learning to live and learning what to live for all at the same time.
Many more things happened between then and now. I got married to that man, we had another child, we fell in love with each other, out of love with each other and back again. Together we've fought a lot of battles and alone I've fought many as well. But now 13 years later I'm sitting here asking myself, who am I? Who am I without my husband, without my children, without my job?
I know what I'd like to say:
I am -Strong
I am- independent
I am- emotionally able to handle all things
I am- capable of conquering my fears
I am- Beautiful
I am- happy with myself
I am- Secure
Those are just some of the things I would like to say. Right now all I can say is I am a good wife, I am a great mother and I am me. I am trying very hard to be the best I can be but it's a battle. Some days I feel like I'm winning but most days I feel I'm behind, trying to catch up.
I'm fearful of my children ever feeling any of the things that I do. I try so hard to make sure I'm not making the mistakes that my parents made with me. I know all I can do is give unconditional love and acceptance and pray that my struggles will have taught me lessons on how to deal with my children's future issues.
Pills, Pills, Pills
I'm feeling better today, no headache, thankfully. However, I went to the neurologist and had more tests. He tested the nerves and muscles in my leg. He did find that they aren't "normal" DUH. All the medications they've tried so far to heal these problems have not worked. So, today he added ANOTHER med, mirapex. I'm not familiar with this one at all but did look it up on the website I go to for my anxiety and depression issues and of course it's a pill used sometimes for mood stabilizing just like the neurtonin I'm on. He wants me to try these pills before I take any of my others and see if I have any side effects. Try another one...I hope this one brings relief. If not he's discussed botox injections in my leg, but that is a last resort. He doesn't like the botox thing in legs because it weakens the muscle. Thus possibly giving me issues walking. GEEZ. I know this would be difficult for anybody to go through and it could've been so much worse but I can't help dwelling in it sometimes. I'm such an active and on the go person. I love to work. I love to run around with my kids. I enjoy dressing well (one of the things I miss the most about my attire are my high heel boots) I've been having to spend more money on buying outfits I can wear with tennis shoes and buying more tennis shoes. Not that it bothers me to shop (one of my stress relievers) however, not working is not helping with the finances so not too much shopping can be done.
I'm rambling, need to come back and finish later.
Monday, October 10, 2005
So, I've been sick (with a cold) since LAST Saturday. Yep, that's about 10 days. Kinda normal for me. Because my immune system is so weak, when I get sick, I GET SICK for a while. But now, today, I'm beat. I cried myself to sleep last night. I tried to not take any of my pain pills yesterday morning. I wanted to see how far I could go with out them and how much pain I still have. BAD IDEA. I was so sore by midday I just had to take them. I'm so tired of hearing, oh this will take time to heal Mel! My goodness, it's been since March 29th. I know my body takes a little longer than others to heal but I just want to know what comes next. If I continue to have pain like this (chronic pain) how do I deal with it? When do I get my life back? Do I get to go back to work?
I have a horrible headache today and of course in my mind that means I must have a tumor that the doctors missed...Or the pain in the back of my neck when I cough, must be meningitas. I start to panic and then think the wellbutrin isn't working right. Then I feel like throwing all of these damn pills down the toilet. I'm tired of them. I wanna be normal again.
WAH WAH WAH
Sunday, October 09, 2005
Quote of the day
Friday, October 07, 2005
When I stand up for myself and my beliefs, they call me a bitch.
When I stand up for those I love, they call me a bitch.
When I speak my mind or think my own thoughts they call me a bitch.
Being a bitch means I won't compromise what's in my heart.
It means I live my life MY way.
It means I won't allow anyone to step on me.
When I refuse to tolerate injustice and speak against it,I am defined as a bitch.
The same thing happens when I take time for myself instead of being everyone's maid,or when I act a little selfish.
It means I have the courage and strength to allow myself to be who I truly am and won't become anyone else's idea of what they think I "should" be.
I am outspoken, opinionated and determined.
I want what I want and there is nothing wrong with that!
So try to stomp on me, try to douse my inner flame,try to squash every ounce of beauty I hold within me.
You won't succeed.
And if that makes me a bitch, so be it.
I embrace the title and am proud to bear it.
B - Babe
I - In
T - Total
C - Control of
H - Herself
B = BeautifulI
T = Talented
C = Charming
H = Hell of a Woman
B = BeautifulI
T = That
C = Can
H = Handle anything.
I need to learn to be more of a BITCH.
Thursday, October 06, 2005
Charlie Brown Cloud
I mean, seriously, wtf? Why doesn't that damn cloud leave me alone? When do I get to see the flowers bloom from all this rain I've had? WHERE THE HELL IS MY RAINBOW???
Okay I'm done bitching. For now.
On a happy note- my son is happy that he can eat 100grand candy bar. He knows when he gets braces those types of things will be hard to eat. So he asked can he have one today and even though I don't let my kids eat much candy, he deserved one today.
My daughter turned 5 a couple of days ago and now feels as if she's the grown up in the house. It's almost entertaining to watch her order everybody around. I know I need to put my foot down quickly to this but she's so damn cute.
My leg is bothering me a lot today mixed in with some sciatica pain as well. However, I feel stronger emotionally today so I'm trying to not let it get me down. I went and visited my friend Kim yesterday, whom I haven't really seen since the accident. It was nice to sit and catch up and try and get my mind off how I was feeling. I forgot how much I enjoyed her company until I went to see her yesterday. I talk to my friend Jennifer everyday but nothing is like getting away and sitting and visiting. Well, hubby comes home tonight for the weekend ~~~Woohoo. So, I better get going.
Have a wonderfully blessed day!
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
Sometimes I feel as if I've been walking around in a dreamland.
I think I'm just creating what I would like to be my reality.
My mind wanders.
Sometimes when I'm driving I can daze off and imagine myself crashing
Floating out of my body and into the heavens
Off to ask God questions.
I know we shouldn't question God, but these are just places my mind goes.
I want to know why is life so tough.
especially when you do your best at doing right.
I hear the quotes "what doesn't kill us makes us stronger" and
"If you never fall, you won't know how good it feels to get up"
I get that. I know.
But why is it that bad things happen to good people?
My mind then comes back.
Damn I'm driving. How did I get this far?
Shit, I passed my exit.
My mind wanders. I sit and watch TV sometimes and end up staring at the wall.
I wonder what happened to my identity.
I know it makes me so happy to give, to care for my children and husband and to make other people happy.
But when asked what else makes me happy...I can't answer. I don't know.
I've lost myself.
How do I find out what makes me happy?
especially without feeling guilty for doing something for myself.
I wonder if I really would be happy being happy.
Does that make sense? I mean I love to smile, I love to laugh, I love the idea of happiness.
But it seems every time I'm almost there. Something happens. A setback.
Somebody hurts me. I deserve it. I allowed them to.
I let people in too easily. So, I open myself up to hurt in hopes that this person will be different.
My mind then comes back.
I realize the time. Need to get back to responsibilities.
No more time for my mind to wander right now.
My mind wanders.
Am I alone with these mind racing thoughts.
Changing so quickly.
Like a slideshow.
Jumping from subject to subject.
curiosity overwhelms me.
I want answers to so many questions.
I want to feel self worth, not from being told it, from knowing it.
I want inner peace.
I have directions but don't know where they lead to.
I'm just going.
I've contemplated deleting this post because I've read it and re-read it and wonder if it'll make sense to anybody else. But I'm going to leave it just in case it does make sense, even to just one person. They then know they're not alone with their thoughts and feelings.
Also, I don't want to project a bad day. I've had a good day, very busy, but good. This post is just what my mind does sometimes...It wanders~~ultimately leading back to some form of normal.
This post is a little more of what my handwritten journal looks like.
However, it's a nice release.
Sunday, October 02, 2005
What makes you cry?
What do you fear?
and do you know why?
Where do you go?
Who can you call?
Can you catch your breathe?
Can you think straight at all?
Do you sometimes feel lost?
Do you have any shame?
Is life one long contest?
and you're losing the game.
Well, I've been there before
I know it doesn't seem right
I want to share with you
my knowledge of darkness and light
I've felt stuck in the dark
consumed by all my fears
I've felt all alone
drowning in all my own tears
Then HOPE came along
something I'd never known
Somewhere I got strength
to fight on my own
Support came next
and love I'd rejected before
was suddenly helping me
and opening new doors
Closing all the doors from the past
was the next big step
letting go of the old,hurt feelings
as inside I wept
After the release
I felt as if I was in a new place
The days seemed brighter
in the mirror reflected a new face
Understand this though
I still feel it once and again
I've learned to rely on the strength and support
of family and friends
Now you can see
You can be at the lowest of all low
but HOPE can come along
and help you to let go
If I can do this
so can you
You'll learn to love yourself
and a world all new.
Saturday, October 01, 2005
Without him I'd be lost
When I need him he rushes to me
no matter the cost
He holds me tight
He calms my fears
He kisses my lips
and wipes my tears
On my darkest days
He brings me light
When I'm in pain
he'll stay by my side all night
He knows me best
issues and all
Accepts my faults
and picks me up when I fall
Being with him forever
I know is my fate
He is the father of my children
My best friend, My soulmate
Shake it off...
Today's a good one. All the advice and support I've received has been great. Thank you all so much.
Some days I just realize everything is as it is. There's nothing I can do about it. Ultimate control is in God's hands. So I just need to learn to go with the flow.
Have you ever noticed when you start a journal (for therapy type reasons) that you tend to only write when you're feeling down? Well I know I have and I don't want to look back and think I was completely consumed by negative. So I'm going to write the UPs as well as the DOWNs.
Well my high so far today was watching my son play baseball. He's 11 and plays first base and pitches. He pitched 3 innings today and did GREAT. Also he went 3 for 4 in hitting. Which all the way around is a very good game. I love the look on his face when he does well. The big smile warms my heart. My daughter is so much like him. She's very hard on herself when she stumbles or something during cheerleading but when she has a good day, she's all smiles. I guess most people are like that. But for some reason my children are so hard on themselves. It's not like we expect so much out of them, they expect so much out of their selves. I know that will be a good quality when they grow up. It will make them high achievers. However while they're kids, I want them to enjoy being kids.
Now it's midafternoon and I think I'm going to take the kids to the park so they can run around and I can soak up some much needed sun. :-)