Monday, October 24, 2005
One minute I feel somewhat content and the next I'm a mess. Yesterday, I experienced severe sciatica pain again. I almost fell over walking in to my house. We had just got home from church and thankfully my son was by my side to stop me from falling.
My son, poor thing, he so catches the brunt of all of my mess. He hugged me yesterday and said he loved me as I was crying. Told me everything would be alright. Then today I pick him up from school and turn on him. He just wanted to request an early birthday present and go to his baseball practice (which I had made a special request to his coach that we skip today) I was so upset with him. I called him selfish and told him he doesn't even care about all that's going on. He's going through his little pre-teen back talk and today I just couldn't handle it. But, I was wrong to take everything out on him. I did apologize to him later. And he admitted to knowing he was wrong too but I feel terrible.
Want a picture of some of what's inside my mind? Here it is:
Those are just a few of the things going on in there.
Home life- My husband's job is very demanding right now. He's here and gone. Sometimes gone Mon-Thurs and right now he's on an 11 day straight run. It will be nice when he gets his check, but I feel so terrible that he can't even enjoy the extra money he's working so far for because we're barely making it paycheck to paycheck. I'm paying the credit card minimum payments and waiting for them to clear so that I can charge groceries on them. Back in credit card debt. We were in up to 20k before and got out when we re-financed our home. Now we're almost back there again.
Money- I was used to always pulling my weight, even being the main bread winner at most times so now I feel so bad not even pulling my weight. My husband tries to reassure me that it's okay but I can't help but feel like it's all my fault. If only I could go back to work. I could fix it all. Damn my leg. Damn my back. Damn me.
Family- I'm doing my best to be the best mom and wife I can be but I feel like I'm struggling. I feel like I can't give my husband the attention he needs. I still can't even sleep in our bed. 6 months of sleeping in my daughters bed, on the couch or on the floor. Anywhere to try and keep myself out of pain and comfortable. Our bed is horrible. When I try to sleep there I always end up screwed up the next day. I know beating myself up isn't good for anybody and I know my moods have got to be hard for the kids. I try so hard to make sure it doesn't affect them but days like today, I couldn't do anything about it. I don't want to do that to them. I don't want them to have to suffer in any way for our losses. I know - things could be so much worse. But see, I'm used to spoiling my kids, buying them what they want for their birthdays and Christmas and I'm fearful this year I won't be able to do that. My daughter still doesn't really understand so she's not really affected as she doesn't really expect but my son, I've always done everything to make his birthday special and Christmas. This year I had to explain to him that we just can't. That we can continue doing our family time together and I have tons of love to give but that's it for now. On top of that I feel like this is such an important age for me to not be giving him anything to have any grief over and yet we have all this stuff going on at home.
Work- well there's a lot to say here too. I've always worked. Since I was 14, actually before that I had a paper route. I'm not the type of person that sits still well and since the accident I've had to learn to do that. My work has always relied on me a lot and they're learning how to do things without me now. I know they still need me in many ways but I'm just worried about the what if's. What if my dr. says I need to be off even longer than expected (beginning of the year 2006)? What if I end up permanently disabled from this? Will my work accept this? And allow me to work from home? Will I have to start over with something else? I am going to school to get my associates in early childhood education but I want to be able to slowly change over to doing something in that field. Not be forced out of what I'm doing now. I want to complete this and do it right.
Health- Well I've named many of my concerns with this already but I have more on top of what happened in the accident. I already was deal with a very weak immune system and scleroderma. I've also dealt with anxiety since I've had my daughter. However, it's now worse than ever and on top of that I'm dealing with depression which is a factor I've never had to deal with on this level.
I know some of these things I bring on myself. I know there's probably a better way to deal with all of this. I know I have a very full plate. I know, I know, I know. But what do I do. I've always had a full plate and never felt this stressed before. I'm still on so many medications and I would just think that everything should be balancing out by now. I'm trying to do all of the things that I would think would be helpful. I can't cut things out of my life because who then would take care of them? Shhheeeeesssshhhhh I guess it's just one of those days. I'm praying for a better tomorrow.
Thanks for listening stranger friends....
BTW, Love you "peace out" tag.
I have been to ER w/that pain and they give me a shot in the hip and that is the best feeling.
take care. Renee
my mother gave me everything. material-wise, that is. She did not give me a single emotion. Not a hug not a kiss no I love you. I got loaded up with birthday presents and Christmas gifts, but not the stuff that really matters. Your son will understand. Its' probably harder for you than it is for him. Have straighforward conversations with him and give him extra love and support. Trust me. I would give back all the crap my mother gave me for some much needed affection.
I hope your day is better tomorrow.