Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Reality

My mind wanders.
Sometimes I feel as if I've been walking around in a dreamland.
I think I'm just creating what I would like to be my reality.

My mind wanders.
Sometimes when I'm driving I can daze off and imagine myself crashing
Floating out of my body and into the heavens
Off to ask God questions.
I know we shouldn't question God, but these are just places my mind goes.
I want to know why is life so tough.
especially when you do your best at doing right.
I hear the quotes "what doesn't kill us makes us stronger" and
"If you never fall, you won't know how good it feels to get up"
I get that. I know.
But why is it that bad things happen to good people?
My mind then comes back.
Damn I'm driving. How did I get this far?
Shit, I passed my exit.

My mind wanders. I sit and watch TV sometimes and end up staring at the wall.
I wonder what happened to my identity.
I know it makes me so happy to give, to care for my children and husband and to make other people happy.
But when asked what else makes me happy...I can't answer. I don't know.
I've lost myself.
How do I find out what makes me happy?
especially without feeling guilty for doing something for myself.
I wonder if I really would be happy being happy.
Does that make sense? I mean I love to smile, I love to laugh, I love the idea of happiness.
But it seems every time I'm almost there. Something happens. A setback.
Somebody hurts me. I deserve it. I allowed them to.
I let people in too easily. So, I open myself up to hurt in hopes that this person will be different.
My mind then comes back.
I realize the time. Need to get back to responsibilities.
No more time for my mind to wander right now.

My mind wanders.
Does yours?
Am I alone with these mind racing thoughts.
Changing so quickly.
Like a slideshow.
Jumping from subject to subject.
curiosity overwhelms me.
I want answers to so many questions.
I want to feel self worth, not from being told it, from knowing it.
I want inner peace.
I have directions but don't know where they lead to.
I'm just going.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've contemplated deleting this post because I've read it and re-read it and wonder if it'll make sense to anybody else. But I'm going to leave it just in case it does make sense, even to just one person. They then know they're not alone with their thoughts and feelings.

Also, I don't want to project a bad day. I've had a good day, very busy, but good. This post is just what my mind does sometimes...It wanders~~ultimately leading back to some form of normal.

This post is a little more of what my handwritten journal looks like.
Thoughts everywhere.
However, it's a nice release.

Comments:
You know Mel, tell yourself one thing over and over. You never ever ever ever ever deserve to get hurt. If you let your guard down and someone hurt you, it doesn't mean that you deserve it. It means they're a prick who took advantage of a situation. The trick is to access the individual standing in front of you and not what you want them to be. As far as personal happiness, I used to have the self-worth issues years ago until I fell in love with myself. Does that make sense? Of course it does. You have to love yourself, if not, who will. But I fell in love with myself, not that I'm vain because I'm not. But I learned my likes, my dislikes and I learned these things by trying new things. Yes, you have a family to take care of, but you can also sneak some time to find personal joy. And when I'm really down, which isn't often I read Iyanla Vanzant (Acts of Faith). The quotes seem to cheer me up. By loving myself, I've found joy in little things like music, art and reading. No, there aren't answers to why bad things happen to bad people. They just do. The trick is how we handle those bad things.
 
Hey - just dropping by ... I agree with Zaria - she said it all for me.

I understand how you feel. You see, I am kinda like you in wondering why bad things happen to good people. I remind myself over and over that God is in control but sometimes I just wanna scream myself. For instance, I've had some family issues with illness etc (check my blog), had some good cries, prayed and tried my best to find comfort, solace, God again. Sometimes, it happens overnight, sometimes longer. but, yeah i get like that 2.

Read some quotes - it'll LIFT YOU. Live. Smile :)
 
i need to take my own advice. I'm feeling kind of low. See, we all go through these ups and downs. I think i'll go write some more.
 
nothing written is wrong.
your blog format has changed,eh?...
 
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