Tuesday, October 11, 2005
Who am I?
I spend so much time home now that I do a lot of soul searching and over analyzing myself.
I haven't really figured out who I am yet but I know a lot of who I was.
I was- a 10 year old only child of from a divorced family, with an abusive alcoholic father and a mother and a stepdad that worked nights and trusted me to handle that.
I was- a child that got curious on her evenings alone and found other recreational activities.
I was- diagnosed with scleroderma when I was about 11 and began watching my leg slowly deteriorate.
I was- too much for my mother to handle by the time I was 14 she sent me to live with my father.
I was- a still very curious teenager, allowed to make my own curfew and decisions by a father who could be located easily at the closest bar.
I was- lucky to still be born smart enough to somehow keep on track with school and graduate with a 4.0
I was- pregnant in high school and miscarried
I was- living with a man a barely knew right out of high school
I was- pregnant at 18
I was- still confused even after having my child
I was- raising myself and my child at the same time
I was- learning to love, learning to live and learning what to live for all at the same time.
Many more things happened between then and now. I got married to that man, we had another child, we fell in love with each other, out of love with each other and back again. Together we've fought a lot of battles and alone I've fought many as well. But now 13 years later I'm sitting here asking myself, who am I? Who am I without my husband, without my children, without my job?
I know what I'd like to say:
I am -Strong
I am- independent
I am- emotionally able to handle all things
I am- capable of conquering my fears
I am- Beautiful
I am- happy with myself
I am- Secure
Those are just some of the things I would like to say. Right now all I can say is I am a good wife, I am a great mother and I am me. I am trying very hard to be the best I can be but it's a battle. Some days I feel like I'm winning but most days I feel I'm behind, trying to catch up.
I'm fearful of my children ever feeling any of the things that I do. I try so hard to make sure I'm not making the mistakes that my parents made with me. I know all I can do is give unconditional love and acceptance and pray that my struggles will have taught me lessons on how to deal with my children's future issues.