Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Who am I?

I spend so much time home now that I do a lot of soul searching and over analyzing myself.

I haven't really figured out who I am yet but I know a lot of who I was.

I was- a 10 year old only child of from a divorced family, with an abusive alcoholic father and a mother and a stepdad that worked nights and trusted me to handle that.

I was- a child that got curious on her evenings alone and found other recreational activities.

I was- diagnosed with scleroderma when I was about 11 and began watching my leg slowly deteriorate.

I was- too much for my mother to handle by the time I was 14 she sent me to live with my father.

I was- a still very curious teenager, allowed to make my own curfew and decisions by a father who could be located easily at the closest bar.

I was- lucky to still be born smart enough to somehow keep on track with school and graduate with a 4.0

I was- pregnant in high school and miscarried

I was- living with a man a barely knew right out of high school

I was- pregnant at 18

I was- still confused even after having my child

I was- raising myself and my child at the same time

I was- learning to love, learning to live and learning what to live for all at the same time.

Many more things happened between then and now. I got married to that man, we had another child, we fell in love with each other, out of love with each other and back again. Together we've fought a lot of battles and alone I've fought many as well. But now 13 years later I'm sitting here asking myself, who am I? Who am I without my husband, without my children, without my job?

I know what I'd like to say:

I am -Strong

I am- independent

I am- emotionally able to handle all things

I am- capable of conquering my fears

I am- Beautiful

I am- happy with myself

I am- Secure

Those are just some of the things I would like to say. Right now all I can say is I am a good wife, I am a great mother and I am me. I am trying very hard to be the best I can be but it's a battle. Some days I feel like I'm winning but most days I feel I'm behind, trying to catch up.

I'm fearful of my children ever feeling any of the things that I do. I try so hard to make sure I'm not making the mistakes that my parents made with me. I know all I can do is give unconditional love and acceptance and pray that my struggles will have taught me lessons on how to deal with my children's future issues.

You know you've been to hell and back and you've gotten the point of life more than the rest of us who haven't. That being, your past, your mistakes, even your fears don't trap you. After all you've been through you have a zest for life that many have lost. Some call that strength. We always feel we're behind when we compare ourselves to others. But somehow, I think you're learning to find happiness within yourself. And that's something even the best of us fail to do.
Just wondering how you are doing.

you are "a wonderful mother"...that is the most important thing. your self-awareness is strong. take care.
I too am with cathy...you seem like a great mom. I think that every parent worries if they are a good parent or not...Keep your head up and do not be so hard on yourself. You seem to have come such a long way...good for you! :)
I'm tagging you for the 7 Things Meme, if you haven't done it already.
Thank you for sharing. You've given me something to think about. I remember many things I was, but I'm moving forward to being what I want to be.
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