Saturday, December 24, 2005

Christmas Eve

Well, it's Christmas eve...Almost another year has passed. I can't believe it.

2005 has been a very trying year for me. Seems everything I turned around there was another roadblock for me. I've had my emotions tested, I've financially struggled, my physical well being tested, my mental stability and my faith. Because of my faith I've been able to accept all of the other problems however I have yet to overcome them. I haven't posted a lot because I just didn't want to post so much negative but I feel now that I need to get some of it out.

Christmas has always been my favorite time of year yet tonight I sit here doing this. Trying to figure out how I can make everything better in 2006. I never want to question God but I'm wondering how much more rain is there before the rainbows appear. In the last month I've had to go through a big physical change. My scleroderma has come out of remission and they've started me on methotrexate treatments. They started me very aggressive for the first 3 months and then they will reassess the situation. The side effects of this have been terrible. I've lost 12 pounds (which isn't so terrible to me) however I've been so weak, I get nauseous, dizzy, I have no appetite and I cry constantly. I feel so bad because I feel it's affecting my family. I've always taken care of them and now they're taken care of me. I don't want my kids to remember this year as the year mom was so sick and they had to sacrifice things because of it. On top of those issues, I still have horrible leg and bad pain. The docs want to give me an epidural but they said I need to start physical therapy right after getting it and right now because of the other meds I can't do that. So I just have to remain on pain killers right now for the pain. One of the other issues I'm dealing with is my moods...Geez....I go from happy to sad in a split second and then the anger kicks in. I'm extremely irritable and end up being short with everybody around me which really eats at me. I know my family is doing their best to deal with what's going on and my husband has been AMAZING!!! So when I'm irritable I end up feeling terrible and beating myself up about it yet I can't control it... I wish I knew somebody that personally dealt with similar feelings and how they deal with it. I feel like I'm alone in this and that none of this is normal.

On a positive note, my family will have a great Christmas! I refuse to settle for less. Even if I wear myself out in the process. My kids have just what they wanted from us and I believe that they even appreciate it more this year than others because I've been so ill. I know I have the health and happiness of my children, my husband and all of my other family and I'm very thankful for that. I have friends that check up on me all the time and see if I need anything. Although it's very hard for me to ever accept help and/or tell people what I need. I feel like I'm being a nuisance to them or that they have better things to do then worry about me. They all have their own lives and it's not their fault something like this is going on with me...DAMN there I go, spirally down to negative. I wish I could stop that before it even starts.

Well I better end this before I get mad that I'm complaining..LOL.

Anyway, I want to wish all my blog friends a very Merry Christmas and a happy and safe new year!!! I'm looking for ward to all of the blessings I'm going to receive in 2006 and wish the same for all of you!



Comments:
Hey love...Happy Happy Holidays to you as well...Have a safe and wonderful new year!:)
 
Hang in there, girl. You're in my prayers. I have new blog now,

Zaria
 
Wishing you all things wonderful in 2006


~Deb
 
Its the new year and I am chking in to see whats good with you...You good? I pray so:)
 
1/10/06-I hope that you are feeling better and stronger now. I am sorry that you have had a bad 2005-mine was similar, but December was nice. I hope that 2006 brings you HEALTH and peace of mind. Frustration is hard for anyone to deal with especially when you factor in so many health issues. Baby steps. Get well in baby steps. hugs! Renee
 
Where are you?????


We miss you here in the blogworld
 
Okay that's it...I'm hoping a plane cause I need to know what's up with you chica!

I pray for your return to blogland...sigh...

Jan 23, 2006
 
YES! WHERE R U? WHAT HAPPENED... EARTH TO YOU:) Renee 2-17-06
 
Imma have to put out an all points bull on you mama! Where are you...dangit one of the real ppl on this here thing and I can't even find you. Miss you much....:)
04~08~2006
 
Okay now I's worried.....:(
05.12.06
 
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